Last night me and Sugardaddy were doing a preliminary review of which luxury expenses we should cut out now that I’m not a high-rolling baller.
Sugardaddy: “We need to keep HBO. I’m hooked.”
But as I thought through that goal, I realized there are so MANY babies I need to make with my TV set this year. Maybe I should make this a 5-year plan, so as not to overwhelm “the loins”.
I’ll need to make babies with Daenerys first because I don’t feel like she deserves sloppy seconds. She’s too perfect and weirdly blonde. And she has dragon babies. Did I mention she has dragon babies? Does the fact that I’m mesmerized by that make me a nerd? Okay moving on…
Have you met Chalky White from Boardwalk Empire? Well you need to. There’s really no other way to meet Chalky, than like this (I recommend watching the full 8 minutes):
That’s some of the hottest shit I’ve ever seen. I like the idea of BEING a mob boss, but this just makes me want to BELONG to a mob boss… named Chalky White.
Then, let’s be honest– I’m gonna have a whole GANG of babies with the cast of True Blood. Well… 3 of ’em at least. A lil’ baby shape-shifter, a lil’ baby vampire, and a lil’ baby… I dunno, I dunno what Lafayette is.
Ladies first of course. Janina, I’ll take good care of you. I’ll protect you from your greasy ugly redneck werewolf boyfriend who could never possibly attain you in real life but somehow the writers of the show felt was a realistic option. I’d believe vampires were real before I’d believe you’d ever date that guy. Especially after playing Papi in L Word, where you were pleasing the ladies at a rate that not even Shane her lady-whore self could keep up with. Let’s just say you can shape-shift into anything you want, and I’d still pay to play.
Then I’ll need pay a visit to Lafayette, whose sex appeal (for me, at least) lies solely in his strong and healthy personal boundaries. What is it about a person’s willingness to tell others (including your own family members) to fuck off that is just so damn sexy? So what if he’s gay, and his boyfriend is an over-sensitive dude named Jesus (hay-zoos). It doesn’t take away… I’m so drawn to this guy. If he doesn’t want to make gay bi-racial babies with me, I’d at least like him to call me on the phone and say “Hooker, where you at?”
And… then I’ll need to get freaky with Eric Northman. Go figure– I’m typically not into blondes. I don’t even like vampires. But I like bad boys, and he’s got that shit down. I don’t know if every girl has a weakness for bad boys, but it’s probably my biggest weakness. As long as deep down he’s got some kinda soft squishy center of love in him (which he does). You can get an ounce of Eric here (I apologize for Sookie’s lame ass), or you can watch him charm fundamentalist religious-types here. Or you can look at his booty-cheeks here.
What you WON’T see me doing is making shit like this. Or doing shit like this.
- Game of Thrones Season Two: Daenerys Is Coming to Fuck Shit Up [Video] (jezebel.com)
- Watch a trailer for Game of Thrones’ second season (arts.nationalpost.com)
- True Blood ” Buried” teaser video (examiner.com)