5 easy steps to settling the fuck down.

Well apparently an alarming number of my friends are neurotic. Seems like every day I have a conversation with someone where we pause and ask each other if we remembered to take our meds, sheeeeiiit.  So, it is with great love, care and concern from the depths of my loins that I write to tell you to settle the fuck down.

But I thought it would be helpful for me to pass along some of the “tools” I received from my “therapist” to help you reach the goal of laying on the floor in a state of complete calm and euphoria, where your body feels like it’s floating, and all you can hear is the sound of running water– no wait, that’ll make you have to pee, and we want to lay on the floor for a long time– all you can hear is the sound of crickets. Very sooooft little crickets.

I’ll share what I know, and maybe some of these other muthafuggas have some additional helpful tips. I have tried every single one of these tricks when I’ve experienced severe anxiety and/or depression, mental or emotional fatigue, or sadness, and all of them have worked to varying degrees. I suggest doing them in combination.

Let’s begin. (Do this AFTER you take your meds. But for the love of God, take them. I get so pissed when I discover that some asshole is supposed to be taking meds, and isn’t taking them.)

1) Watch a short documentary about the Honey Badger.

It’s educational, and I have a feeling you will learn far more about the universe, and yourself, than you ever thought possible.

2) Remember that no one has died.

Unless someone did die, in which case you can panic a little, but then move onto the grieving process. Unless you wanted them to die, in which case you need to pop that champagne am I  right? In any event–all of these three scenarios need to be accompanied by a stiff drink.

3) Go get yourself a stiff drink.

If you need to put a little umbrella in it, put a goddamn umbrella in it. The goal here is not to look badass, but to settle the fuck down. Do you. Just do you.

4) Exert some energy.

Some of us need to go for a walk or a run in the beautiful outdoors, others of us need to punch something, while still others of us need to go dancing at a small gay club in southeast Wisconsin, where cross-dressers dance in cages and beckon you forth with their homemade be-dazzled sequin vests, and your homegirl sips a cherry flavored long island iced tea and awkwardly grinds on your leg, while your sister drunkenly dances with some Latina lesby-friends, then proceeds to puke in a bathroom stall but is too drunk to unlock it for you, so you have to crawl under the door of the bathroom stall to hold her hair back, and then leave the club only to be spotted by an old high school friend who awkwardly laughs because he’s worried that you think he’s gay, as though it matters, and you know he’s not, and hell, YOU’RE there too so whatev.

5) Experience some of Tom Cruise’s finest work.

Even if you are so over Tom Cruise like I am, this clip will help you settle. Enjoy, little grasshopper.  Or you can click here to hear him tell you to go fuck your own face. You know, if you need a little dirty talk, we can make that happen boo, you know mama gon’ take care o’ you.

Oh and P.S.

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14 thoughts on “5 easy steps to settling the fuck down.

  1. The stiff drink is the key. Why is it that alcohol has calories that cannot be utilized by the body? Perhaps if we drink enough alcohol, the human body will evolve to utilize, nay, thrive on alcohol. Drink for the sake of our children and our children’s children!

    • I think our body utilizes the calories by being awesome. Or having sex. If alcohol makes me want to have sex, and then I burn said calories via humping my “sex person”, then it all works out!

  2. fragmented jelly had a name and sex change overnight, but that’s not the point here. The point is that a honey badger came to me in my sleep and tried to eat my pinky finger. I tried yelling, but honey badger didn’t give a shit.

  3. I find one can skip all the steps above if one goes straight to the cough syrup on one’s nightstand. Just pound one back and drift into sweet sweet slumber.

  4. Love, love, love! As a chronic worrier, I needed this. I find myself gravitating toward #4….mostly before noon. And I channel honey badger DAILY. He’s my hero. Thanks for the wisdom, Forty Ounce.

  5. Pingback: A User’s Guide to Inadequate Women’s Syndrome « brown betty

  6. Pingback: I want my baby where that cake and that icing is. | milk & honey ~ geeks & gangstas

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