A Valentine’s blessing to the lucky Muslim man who wants to suckle his wife’s teat.

Every once in a while the good folks over at IslamicAdvice.com call me for input on particular matters. It’s a little-known fact that my opinions influence the lives of the more than 2.2 billion people in this world that fall under the broad category of “Muslim”. Sometimes different groups therein ignore my advice and just do whatever the fuck they want, but whatev. Hugs!

Today I’d like to respond to a lucky man who apparently likes his wife’s mama juice. It is unclear whether he is looking for simple nutritional supplementation to his already halal diet, or if he wants to incorporate the milk into their presumably kinky sex-play (I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time getting my sexy on when my baby’s in the room). But this good man wants to do the right thing–meaning– assist his wife in the process of nature’s liposuction so she can rock the shit out of that wajib bikini next summer.

He writes:

I just want to know if it is allowed in Islam for one’s husband to suck his wife’s milk while she is feeding milk to baby.

I have heard some one saying that a husband can suck his wife’s milk and that it is allowed.

Please respond in details.

Thanks,

Mubashar Khan

Dear Mubashar,

I’m not sure what you mean by “details”, but I’ll do my best to help a brother out.  I consulted with my associate, S-Dawg (Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen), and he indicated that “breastfeeding a grown-up has no effect, because the breastfeeding which has an effect (of creating the relationship of mahram) is that which consists of five feedings or more within the first two years, before weaning. On this basis, if it happened that someone breastfed from his wife or drank her milk, he does not become her son.”  Praise be to Allah, am I fuckin’ right??!!

Then I texted my colleague, Big Taab (Umar ibn al-Khattaab), and he wanted me to reassure you that it’s ALSO still cool to have sex with your slave girl after your wife breastfeeds her.  He says to “punish her (your wife), and (continue to) go to your slave-girl, for (the ruling on) breastfeeding only applies to breastfeeding of infants.”  Happy fucking Valentine’s Day to YOU, my good man!  Looks like you’ll be gettin’ yers tonight!!!  Just please be gentle– those engorged breasts can be a bit tender.

And as always, please remember to practice safe sex, and stop by the drugstore for a few halal condoms. Do yourself a favor and try not to ruin this newfound good fortune by spreading the herp.

Salam,

Forty Ounce

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5 thoughts on “A Valentine’s blessing to the lucky Muslim man who wants to suckle his wife’s teat.

  1. Milk’s gone bad. I wish i had two more hands so I could give him four thumbs down.
    What the fuck? I fucking hate people (all people).

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