Gay marriage should be seen as the “research and development” department of Marriage & Co. Which means pure profit for my straight hookers, okaaaay!
Last night I was out with my hoes, and we ended up at Hell’s Kitchen Underground to see A. Wolf and Her Claws. It was so late by the time they went on that I finally left. So, I basically paid $5 to see “weird shit opening band”. It was heavily redeemed by my girl Tyesha. I’d have paid at least ten times that amount to not hear that band, and to only hear the stories she told me about the mad sexytimes she had with “hot Irish rugby player bus-driver.”
The scene was dark and goth-like, and I was surrounded by electro-art-nerds??? I guess? In this picture, you will see a table of computers (or “instruments”), a guy with a beanie made out of rope pulled down over his eyes (cus that’s so boss, ya’ll), and an angel statue behind them. Note the dark ambience, with red lighting hues (that’s from all the candles). What you can’t see here is the lead singer who was literally half my weight, wearing all black, skinny jeans, singing about something really deep. It was like Bjork gone horribly wrong. Bjork mated with The Cure, had a baby, and then it went to school for a computer engineering degree, and then decided to start a band and make me pay $5 to see it perform. It was exactly when I walked in the door and saw this shit that I decided it would be okay if I just ordered a tonic water and then poured in my own vodka from a flask I had hidden in my purse. A bitch gotta do what a bitch gotta do. And I couldn’t muster enough respect for the venue to not do that…
And honestly folks, if Bjork and The Cure can mate and send its baby to college, only to later torture me with its computer music, then “the gays” should DEFINITELY be able to get married and procreate. Because so far, gays have not made me want to disrespect their offspring with a flask of vodka. Celebrate, yes. Disrespect? No.
Plus, if society can deem it appropriate for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to marry and procreate, then society should at LEAST let “the gays” have a go at it. If all it takes to make marriage “sanct” is for K-fed’s man-meat to make its acqaintance with Britney’s sex-hole(s), (not even required to make it feel good, just a little diseased penetration), then I think my gay-bors up the street can make some magic happen, and be allowed to piss each other off by leaving their socks on the floor after nine goddamn years.
So here we have a socially approved construct for demonstrating the deepest of love. Literally. Penis + Vagina = “Sanct” Marriage. So much so that our legal system is all tied up and knotted, handcuffed even, with laws that prevent the true expression of love among people, in life and in death, when their children are sick and hospitalized, when someone’s been injured or murdered, transfer of property… in the most serious of life situations, you are not legally protected in such a way that allows for the truest expression of love and concern unless you have Penis + Vagina. If it is SO goddamn moral to have Penis + Vagina to care for one another, and it’s so goddamn immoral not to, to the degree that the 1100+ federal benefits and 515+ state-specific (MN) legal benefits of marriage in place to help us love and care for each other to the greatest extent possible are only to be utilized by Penis + Vagina… then nuns are possibly the #1 offenders. Something to think about…
Perhaps it’s all rooted in low self-esteem… heterosexuals requiring affirmation from none other than the all-empowered judicial system. I mean, is it so hard to believe that some chick isn’t interested in your throbbing man-rod? Or that some dude doesn’t have a taste for your delicious maiden-carpet? Because I think you might need to make peace with that shit. Not ER’body wants to fuck you, baby! Aww shhhh there there. But be reassured, there’s someone out there for you. I mean, you weren’t really actually hoping that Ricky Martin or K.D. Lang wanted to marry you and start a family, were you? I know I fuggin’ wasn’t…
Now, for all my sexy conservatives out there that only think in terms of free market capitalism, let me break it down for you, baby. I got you. As you know… a monopoly by one company in an industry stifles innovation and quality, ultimately delivering to society an inferior product at a high cost. Open competition in a market inspires innovation, shared best practices, high quality and constant improvement, all at a cost that everyone can theoretically access. In this case of course, the product being marriage. (And don’t act like it’s not a product because it fucking IS. I refer you to the amounts of cash all my hetero bitches pay for their weddings, only to get a divorce 4 years later). So, as a married woman in a heterosexual marriage, I beg of you… please… for a little R & D action up in this bitch. I can feel the “sanctity” of every marriage around me slipping away like sand through an hourglass. Maybe the gays can get the job done better than the straights? Just a thought. I think Kim Kardashian just showed us that the product needs a bit of work.
Aviator, bitches. It’s about the genius and totally obsessive-compulsive germaphobe Howard Hughes, one of the wealthiest men in the world and one of the most influential aviators in history. As the head of TWA during WWII, he fought for market share in aviation where Pan Am desparately tried to maintain monopoly control of the airways. I mean, Pan Am even had the U.S. Congress and the FBI in its pocket, trying to control all that shit (sound familiar?). Howard Hughes, as fucked up as he was, created something new and beautiful in aviation. Sure, it was delivered later than it should’ve been, but that’s what happens when the government restricts the resources with which you are allowed to build it. The point remains, aviation is where it is today in part because he fought for improvement, for new ideas, for a different (and possibly better) product made by a different company. Society gained from this, forcing Pan Am to step up its game and follow suit. I know you’re pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down.
So Howard Hughes is up against Juan Trippe, founder of Pan Am, who at the time had a monopoly in aviation.
“He owns Pan-Am. He owns Congress, he owns the Civil Aeronautics Board, but he does not own the sky! The sky’s my business.”
And isn’t that what love is? …The sky? You can’t contain it, you can’t shape it or hold it or control it. You can only experience it for yourself, and if you’re a decent enough human being, you’ll only hope that others get to experience love too.
I’ll leave you with this… where Howard Hughes finally gets his heavy-ass H-4 Hercules out of the water and into the air, too late for use in the war, but soon enough to show Juan Trippe that he’s the real deal, and he can do amazing things. Did anyone else almost cum in their pants when all that vibrating, shaking, and acceleration finally climaxed in the peaceful calm of lifting out of the water and into the air?
This post is dedicated to all you gay lovers out there. Someday, all these straight assholes will thank you for helping improve their marriages. I will start by thanking you now.
- Project 515. To ensure that same-sex couples and their families have equal rights and considerations under Minnesota Law.
- Human Rights Campaign. (www.hrc.org)
- The Faked Death of Howard Robard Hughes (adriaen22.wordpress.com)
- Martin Scorsese’s ‘The Aviator’ (crufc.ca)
- There’s more than a bit of Howard Hughes in Paul Allen’s space dream (bizjournals.com)
- Bjork Is Extremely Bjork on ‘Colbert Report’ (spin.com)
- Björk Visits Colbert (stereogum.com)