All this shit is so 1994.

I see it as my job here at Milk & Honey ~ Geeks & Gangstas, to keep all my sexy crackas up to speed on the latest trends and fashions of our time. It’s a responsibility I take seriously, particularly because some of my crackas are a little slow on the uptake.

Let me begin by reminding you all that it is the year of our lord Two Thousand and Fucking Twelve (2012 A.D.).  It’s no longer two centuries ago, or even the 1990’s, where apparently it was socially acceptable to stand by and watch, or even participate, as innocent people were hunted down and killed because of their skin color or ethnicity.  These atrocities were flanked by other crazy bullshit, like the show Full House parading across our TV screens, or Blossom for that matter.  Some shit just shouldn’t happen anymore, primarily because it never should’ve happened in the first place.

Since this important detail has apparently alluded some of my cuddly little bunnies, I thought I’d detail several of these 90’s trends that are simply not fashionable these days, so you can please stop doing them now.

Junior High School.

That’s where I was in the mid-90’s, and I’m never going back there. The only upside to junior high was stabbing my best buddy in the leg with a pilot pen.  Which was the beginning of our now S & M relationship, which takes place all via text and facebook.

Natural Disasters.

Tsunamis, hurricanes and earthquakes are so passe. Get with the now, Earth.

Killing Black people.

So, I see someone didn’t get the memo… like George Zimmerman, along with the State of Florida’s entire executive branch and judicial system… To whom I now direct the question, “What the ffffuck?”

I won’t comment further on these obvious shenanigans at this point, because I by no means want to make a joke of this very real bullshit, and the absurdity speaks for itself.  A more appropriate and thoughtfully articulated commentary on this can be found over HERE at Brown Betty’s.  What I want to emphasize from her words is an appeal to all my lovely crackas to not be desensitized to the blatant personal and systemic racism of our day.  Let’s leave that shit in the last millenium, shall we?

Sucking your boss’ dick.

If I learned anything at the ripe age of 16 from a certain Monica Lewinsky, it was to not get caught up in the very bad decision of sucking my boss’ dick.  The only thing about that situation that makes any damn sense to me at all, is that her boss happened to be the most powerful man in the world.  Outside of that, let’s leave that shit in the 90’s.

Taking Native people’s land.

As in “Hey, let’s clear this Mohawk burial site and expand this golf course. Oh and some luxury condominiums would be swell.”  Let’s. Stop. Doing. This. Shit.

Having actual sex in person.

Who needs to risk an unwanted pregnancy or acquiring an infectious venereal disease, when you can just have sex via webcam? You’ve got the visual, you’ve got a few handy tools and lubes… Real life sex is so old school. (And downright dangerous.)

Ethnic cleansing.

As in Hutus massacring 800,000 Tutsis (or 20% of the Rwandan population) in just 100 days, or Serbs rounding up entire cities of Muslim Bosniaks, putting them in concentration camps, and systematically torturing the men and raping all the women.  May I suggest a little something to my fellow human beings?  That is not okay! I don’t care if Yugoslavia deteriorated and you gotta figure out what land you’re gonna set up your shit on. Figure it out, and don’t be a dick!

The Macarena + Chumbawumba = I hate my life.

No seriously, when I’m at a wedding reception and the Macarena comes on, I literally start asking my friends and neighbors for a gun or semi-sharp object so that I can kill myself.

Fear of Y2K.

Hey, preppers, the fear of the world disintegrating ended as I made out with my high school boyfriend in his truck on New Year’s Eve ummmm… twelve years ago.  (But if “the shit hits the fan”, can we be besties?)

Having the “gay” disease.

Now that the World Health Organization has removed homosexuality from its list of diseases, it’s okay to go ahead and be gay. Go on now. It’s okay, little bird. Spread your wings and fly.

This one goes out to K-Money, my sexy harbor ho. Now that I’ve gotten the cynicism out of my system, I’ll write a more positive ode to the 90’s. I promise, boo. BTW, some of these “related articles” may or may not make this post look less crazy… you decide.”

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14 thoughts on “All this shit is so 1994.

  1. Let it out, girl! Now you can think of the million and one reasons that the 90’s rocked it. After reading this, I am glad that I did not know you in jr high. I would much rather get the kissing-disease from you than have you get all stabby on me.

      • Do we REALLY know who had it first? All I know is that a Mt Dew can was involved and some very raunchy language in the jr high hallway. I am starting to see a pattern here with you, jr high school, and inappropriate behavior….

        • I don’t see what’s changed, really. I still act like I’m in junior high, and appreciate inapproprtiate behavior. I think it’s less a “pattern”, and more my personality.

  2. I’m guessing you weren’t the one who found it by googling “touching my brothers dick”. Apparently someone did that yesterday, and found my blog. What blessings! Thanks for reading!!

  3. I was buying a car a few years back, and one of the mechanics who I paid to look it over literally asked me, “Are you buying this from one of those Arabs? Never buy a car from an Arab.” I wish I would have had the mental capacity to tell him that I was half “Arab” or that my husband was “Arab.” Well at least I’ll have it poised and ready for the inevitable next racist encounter.

    Also I thoroughly enjoy the shout out to those of us who have virtual sex rather than the real deal. Who needs that mess? I don’t have an endless supply of GD towels for the aftermath of that noise. Give me my virtual sex helmet with my virtual sex goggles any day.

  4. On another note, I’m pretty sure there is an unwritten rule that you have to give a guy some hot poonany if he takes you to a Red Lobster. Am I right?
    I google “touching my sister’s lady dick”, almost daily.

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