We got tom-toms over here bigger than a monsta.

“But I take a left and leave ’em hangin’ like a teste.” – Nicki Minaj, ‘My Chick Bad’ by Ludacris

You knew it was only a matter of time before something threw that special little happy place I was in for a couple of weeks straight into the commode of cynical frustration with the world.  It’s just how things are. It’s nature. It’s science.  So now I blog to you MFer(s). (You’re welcome, K-Money.)

After a little hiatus from workin’ for a living, in order to nurture some lil’ babies (you know, chewing their food and spitting it into their open mouths like a little bird), I’m having to look for a job in a fucking awful job market. Luckily I have semi-decent bazungas. You gotta pay for these titties, aight? Or at least pay my baby-sitter.  The upside to today’s job search was 2 extra hours of being kid-free, leaving me sitting here writing this bullshit, eating a leftover piece of my 4-year-old’s birthday cake, and sipping on a Bud Light “lime” beer, but the kind with less alcohol content because that’s all they sell in grocery stores in the arctic circle, and I was too lazy to go to an actual licka sto. The situation is that sad. Yet I’m strangely happy.

There are two main ways that I effectively deal with anxiety– 1) running, and 2) drinking… well, now that I no longer compulsively eat to drown out the pain…maybe I’ll write about that sometime.  The happy juice was my method of choice for about the first 3 months of 2012… and quite frankly, since July of 2011.  But there comes a time, boys and girls, when you look down at your love-handles and realize they’ve expanded beyond what can legitimately be considered love-handles. When they become too big to hold onto, for instance… they’re not “handles”.  So on March 22, I decided it was time to stop literally pouring cheap wine down my throat every night, and to begin the slow process of purging my body of toxins and rarely used stores of energy (i.e. “fat”). I began eating better, and exercising every single fucking day.

Believe me it was a good choice, and here’s why.  When you run, or do any sort of cardio exercise as far as I’m aware, your brain releases seratonin, a happy little neurotransmitter that makes you feel all squishy and satisfied (low levels of which cause depression). Chocolate does the same thing, but with alternate results to running, I’m afraid. Figure it out.  Your body also begins to release endorphins after 30 minutes, which minimizes your brain registering pain (praise the Lord Jesus!), and give you a feeling of euphoria.  This euphoria… this is a good thing. Sometimes situations in life leave me feeling so shitty and out of sync with the universe that running is the only thing I can do to make things right in my head.

Now, mama can’t rightly attempt this daily feat on her own, no sir. Mama needs some purty lil’ children to serenade me down the path toward what Sugardaddy and I jokingly call “beach-ready hard body”.  These sweet sweet voices… they go by the names of Nicki Minaj, Ludacris, Nirvana, Metric, Jay-Z, and Filter.  Some songs offer up a good tempo, other songs are energetic, but these speak truth right when you need it. And running is very much a mental game. If you’re thinking thoughts like “I can’t do this anymore”, you literally will not be able to do it anymore. If you imagine little lego guys rebuilding the muscles in your legs, and visualize your lungs opening wider so you can get that oxygen you feel short on, that shit’s gonna happen.  The songs below speak truth or power that put the right things in my head, all at just the right time, like sweet little angels in my ears.  And I find that running isn’t too different from life in general. The mental approach you take can greatly influence your actions and the way you perceive reality. Make sure your self-fulfilling prophecy is a good one, friend.

So I offer these up to you as a gift, with the hope that you will also experience this euphoria. It’s just good shit.  And somehow, after the two-hour long hard cry I had at the shock and horror I felt when I found out I needed to go get a job, I was able to promptly get on with it. Somehow, through running, I think I’ve managed to reverse some of the self-inflicted brain damage that may have occurred during my binge-drinking months as I was coping with my little baby’s close blows with death and the resulting halt of my career.

Here is my homage to the wind beneath my feet. You can go to the full playlist and listen to the songs HERE if you’d like. You’ll find more than what’s described below. What are the songs that help you live life better?

Did it on ’em by Nick Minaj. This song is probably what I’d consider my theme song for motivation, and gives me a sense of power over anything that gets in my way.

Notable lyric: “If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on ’em. Let let let let let let let let let let me shake it off.”

Hustle Rose by Metric. Emily Haines soft sweet voice will calm you during the moments that you need to calm your breathing and focus, slowing your pace to recover a little. But this beautiful song slowly progresses to get you back into a strong and steady place. The shift into awesomeness happens at 3:25, and you’ll be well on your way to another strong tempo.

Notable lyric: “If you’re looking for something life-like in this sardine nightclub… If every surface you touch is cold, never go home… You could throw me a bone, if I get too close you wake me up, remind me…”

Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay-Z. It’s easy to just get down on yourself when you’re running. There are too many times when you feel tired, weak, sore. You have to mentally push past that. And Jay-Z will help you with that, crackas. He’s like the coach telling you to keep going when you want to stop.

Notable lyric: “If you feelin’ like a pimp n***as, go’n brush your shoulders off. Ladies is pimp too, go’n brush your shoulders off… You gotta get that dirt off your shoulder.”

You Know You’re Right by Nirvana. This is another good song to get you to refocus at its beginning, especially if you’re at a really tough part of the run, and then Kurt Cobain starts pleading with you in his raspy voice to remember that you’re okay, because it sounds like he’s saying “you know you’re alright“. And I need that reminder. Thank you, Kurt.

My Chick Bad by Ludacris feat. Nicki Minaj.  Ludacris is one of my favorites. In this song, he’ll tell you how great you are, and how he wants to buy you Louis Viutton shoes and stuff.  Sometimes a girl just needs to hear how great she is.

Notable lyric: “My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could… Trash talk to ’em, then I put ’em in a hefty.”

My Chick Bad Remix (“Pussy Rules the World version) by Ludacris feat. Diamond, Trina, Eve. Again, this song just tells me how amazing I am as I embarassingly chug down the street.

Notable lyric: “I got swagga on the hund-ed, thousand, trillion… Now that’s what I’m all about, I’m the baddest… Still the Eve of Destruction, still pushing buttons that’ll do away the roof… So put your diamond rings on and get yourself a hustla.”


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