But If you wanna talk tough and you wanna puff up then I might just have ta.
But I didn’t come here to clock your mouth, I came here to rock the house. – LMFAO, “We came here to party”
It’s a damn good thing Sugardaddy’s auntie made us a chocolate sheet cake that we put in the freezer when baby was in the hospital and I just found it. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I ate that whole motherfucking sheet cake over the course of three days, assholes. That’s right. AND maintained my weight from a week ago. Eat it. Sure, I feel like shit. But I felt like shit BEFORE I ate the sheet cake, so it doesn’t matter, right? Thank you.
Moving on… So what’s with people eating each others faces? Any takers? Dan Mitchell? Doodoomamajuju? I’m sure you have insight. I mean, I’m sure it’s been happening for thousands of years, but it’s just now getting publicity on the news and causing thousands of ignorant little crackas to freak out about zombies.
Another question I have for you is– how the fuck do I get hooked up with a bartending job??? That’s really what I want to do right now. And I’m pretty sure I could make some BANK doing that happiness. I LOVE getting people drunk and happy. To get PAID to do it? Genius.
Here is a list of skills and/or talents I have that I think might warrant someone paying me a full-time salary:
- Touching my baby’s chubby leg-rolls.
- Listening to 90’s rock.
- Hair-flips with my luscious long black hair.
- Putting on mascara. I’m really good at that.
- Writing random phone numbers on parked car windows with lipstick.
- Eating raw cookie dough.
- Saying “Let’s get crunk!” to 15-year olds.
- Picking out shoes I like.
- Parking directly next to the cars parked way out in the weeds at the drive in.
- Suggesting to douchey men that their fathers are probably really disappointed them. And then patting them on the back when they start crying in public.
- Explaining awkward things to my 4-year-old in ways that might bring shame on my family.
- Doing the robot.
- Going up to Black people and touching their hair in that special creepy white-person sorta way.
- Going to high-end boutiques in my mom-sweatpants and making the people there wait on me.
- Speaking in a fake British accent.
- Making fun of people who drive the BMW 300 series.
- Eating nachos.
If you or someone you know is looking to hire someone with one or more of the above qualifications, by all means, let a hooker know.
- Wanting (swirlsandmusings.wordpress.com)
- The “Street Pimp” As a Stereotypical Ethnic Occupation (robertlindsay.wordpress.com)
- TVs Best Grimy Little Pimps (crampmystyle.tv)
- The Most Impressive Rainbow Pegacorn Cake You’ve Seen (geekologie.com)
- Big Is Back! Volumizers We Love, Part II (fabsugar.com)
- Peanut Butter Sheet Cake (wherefloursbloom.wordpress.com)