Y’all know I keep it funky motherfucker better get it right.

“Y’all know I keep it funky motherfucker better get it right

Get it right, better get it right, get it right

And I’ll be rockin along, zonin, yeah

Movin along, zoninnnnnnnn.” ~ Kid Cudi, ‘Ashin Kusher’

Sometimes you meet a person who has felt what you have felt, who has seen the depths that you have traversed. And they’ve come out alive.

This is important.

Because their mere existence tells you that you, too, will come out alive. That’s a little more than inspiration, my sweet crackas. That’s straight up truth, spoken to the deepest part of your soul that is the decision-maker for whether or not you are going to survive any given moment.

It is my privilege to wish the happiest of birthdays to such a person in my life. Happy birthday, B-Randy! You know who you are, you sexy ‘rican!  I gift you with this open-to-the-public weblog, in lieu of Cuba Gooding, Jr. naked, eating fried chicken coated in chocolate, singing “I’m a little teapot” karaoke style in your bedroom. With as many favors as that asshole owes me, apparently he resents the fact that I’d treat him like a whore and offer to buy such a performance from him, in honor of your birthday. What is with people being all uppity these days??!!

I would also like to gift you with this fucking weird Ken doll.  I really don’t know what to say about this offense to humanity besides “I love you.” And if you don’t know, now you know.

So now that you have exited your twenties and joined the cool kids’ club in 30s-ville, what do you plan on doing? Because I believe I spent the evening of my 30th birthday obsessively lotioning my stomach as the skin continued to slowly shrink back after giving birth to a naughty little baby that I couldn’t nurse due to hospitalizations. I do not wish that on you, my friend. I hope you feel sexier than that tonight.  Do what makes you come ALIVE this weekend. And every day. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

In addition to all the above-referenced priceless gifts, I would also like to bequeath to you the list of search terms that have brought people to this blog. This is no ordinary list. It is a list filled with the seeds of questions to the mysteries of the universe. Like, “What the fuck?”  And “Who the fuuuuuuuck?”  B-Randy, you are now the caretaker of these search terms. Treat them well. Love them. Hold them. They need you.

swag

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is snooki christian

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is it bad for a muslim to suck his wifes milk?

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