“It ain’t no sin, to take off your skin and dance around in your bones.” ― Tom Waits
“Without deviations from the norm, progress is not possible.” — Frank Zappa
For so many years I was living to learn. I was living to make a reputation for myself in my career. I was living to put my time in and earn professional clout, to be taken seriously. I was taking those baby steps to get to that next rung in the ladder that would take me to my destination.
Then– I shifted gears. I was living to survive. I was living to keep my babies alive. I was living to get by. To get past “that year”. Skating through, hoping my marriage would survive the tension. It didn’t, by the way. It died. And was reborn.
Then– Shift into living to heal. Living to rebuild what had been decimated– physical therapy for the toddler, intense rehab and reinvention of marriage, getting a kid into school, picking our dirty finances up off the ground… dusting them off. Working a boring, soul-killing job to put the pieces back together. Sacrificing good credit to make sure the kids have milk. Stuff like that.
It’s a new day today. Life is one long journey of grieving the expectations we have for any given scenario, period of time, relationship, you name it. I think the element I’ve let ride along with me for so long is fear, though. Lack of confidence to take risks, to be the real me. Part of it is not really being confident of what that looks like. And then lack of confidence in myself to even be able to figure that out.
The risks– What will people think of me? What if I speak up and then find out I’m wrong? Can I go without that $3,000/month just so I don’t have to be a drone in a cube? I think… I can live without those things. Being liked, being right, and being without spending guidelines. I don’t know if even had those things to begin with.
So I’m shedding my skin again to move into my next phase. Time to stop living like a fool, and take the risk of living my true purpose.
Confidence in the path I’ve chosen. It’s terrifying.