Lil Dicky visits my root canal

I was told root canals are awful and painful. And maybe to people who haven’t squeezed 8-pound masses of human out of their vaginas, they are.

So while I’m laying there this week in a serene hour of root canal heaven, with my face numb and a “rubber dam” wrapped around my tooth that seemed strangely similar to the dental dams used for safe oral sex with women, I realized how I wouldn’t really mind starting out every day of the week like that.

And lo, an angel came to me during this paradise. An angel endodontal assistant named Kolby. He was a sweet Michael Cera-type that reminded me of my little brother, kind of awkward but wanted me to have a good experience. Talking about being an usher in his friend’s wedding that weekend, I would guess he was about 28 years old and just barely learning the ways of pleasing the ladies/mens, but I digress. The important thing about this encounter was how uncomfortable he seemed with waiting in silence while we waited for the numbing effects of the novocaine to set in.

michael ceraDuring this waiting period, the endodondist would go away and attend to other patients. So it was just me and Kolby. And Kolby was what we call a “nervous talker,” filling silence with whatever he could pull out of his ass simply because he had no idea how badly I wanted to sit there in silence. But he didn’t call me “mommy” so I’ll give him a pass. What he DID tell me was how my endodontist’s daughter was making her way in Hollywood, appearing in small films and music videos. “I was at my buddy’s playing board games one night, and she showed up in one of the music videos on YouTube. And I thought–hey I know that girl!”

Me, with my mouth wide open and this rubber dental dam on my face, said “Oh yeah, what music video?” He didn’t understand me. “Whuh mu-ic vi-eo?” He didn’t anticipate the questions I might have in my awkward position as he detailed shit I barely care about. “‘Lemme Freak’ by Lil Dicky,” he said, hesitantly. I could almost hear his inner thoughts as he squeaked out that secret, realizing maybe, just maybe, it’s not his place to be sharing this information about his boss’ daughter to the patients. Who knows, maybe the endodontist doesn’t give a fuck. But sweet little awkward Kolby had to say the words “Lemme Freak” to me as I lay there in front of him with my mouth wide open and sedated, so who knows. Not only that, but the video is kinda fucked up but I have to applaud Lil Dicky’s lyricism. Mayhap my endodontist feels the same way.

What took this whole surreal experience to another level was how I dreamt last night that I recounted this exchange to my friend Beth in a bar, because in weird dream-land this information tied directly to her in some random way. My mouth was even numb as I told her this tale. However, after that point I leave the bar and go home, but on my way home I stop by my dad’s house because I really needed him to perform an exorcism in my upstairs bathroom. A demon-possessed cat had taken over the bathroom and had been causing ongoing flooding and general disarray.

My dad took one look at the cat and said, “that cat–he’s the ‘beast’.” Well no fucking shit, he’s a cat of course he’s “the beast.” Fucking cats. Gross.


One thought on “Lil Dicky visits my root canal

  1. If I were an endodontal assistant, I’d just read people poetry that I wrote. I don’t expect them to comment on it – the point is that they CAN’T, and I WILL take their silence as approval of my meter and rhyme. I’ll also accept grunts, grimaces, and open-mouthed exclamations like “Op at!!! Puh-ease!!!” as positive notes.

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