Hail Snooki, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

I come today with an encouraging word for my catholic brothers and sisters.

Firstly, God bless you.

Secondly, in the midst of political and religious tension relating to the provision of contraception to my catholic sluts everywhere, and in a bold statement of faith and religious fervor, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is pregnant with the Messiah’s second coming (blessed be the fruit of her womb).  Snooki, being a pure catholic woman, is preparing for this virgin birth with her fiance, Jionni LaValle (let’s just call him “Joseph” for short). Joseph, who plans to marry Snooki rather than have her stoned according to tradition, will help raise this virgin-birth Messiah, and says “We are not going to screw this up.”  Well I sure as fuck hope not, Joseph. There are an assload of catholics in America who are fighting hard to restrict women’s access to contraception, in order to protect the Holy Spirit’s ability to make babies where it wants to. If any of us find out you impregnated Snooki with this holy child, thereby usurping the Holy Spirit’s power and authority, ER’body in the club gettin’ tips! And then your ass is getting excommunicated, beeitch.

And if I know the catholic church and Mel Gibson at all, staying classy is at the top of the priority list for its followers.  Snooki has decided to take her new role as a virgin mother seriously. “I’m not living in that [Jersey Shore] house being pregnant. I don’t want to be one of those moms who’s pregnant in a club. It’s disgusting.” Praise Jesus and the saints.

Daily Mail reports ‘Asked what her first thought was after finding out she was pregnant, Snook replied: “S**t, I’ve been drinking!  I was worried. It was New Year’s Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy.”‘ By “crazy” she means they snuggled closely to one another at Sapphire Strip  Club while Joseph got a lap dance, as they read the sexy and pro-contraception book of Song of Solomon from the Holy Scriptures. The Huffington Post reports that “the book positively depicts a couple pursuing a love that is not approved by society. It begins with the woman wishing that the man would ‘kiss me with the kisses of his mouth,’ and soon she is inviting him to her bed of spices. The lovers do not live together, but instead must meet outdoors (e.g. 1:17) or in a parent’s bedroom (3:4; 8:2).”  Or in this case, the Sapphire Strip Club. Interestingly, I’ve never heard of chlamydia referred to as a “spice”, but whatever. I try to be an open-minded person when it comes to the sexual appetites of others.